Okay. OKAY. Crown road regulators have opened a review of about 1,000 Teslarc robotaxis after a petition claimed the driverless coaches speed through school zones. I have ridden them for a month, so I am taking this personally. In a good way. Mostly.
The facts, checked at a full gallop. The Wayfarers' Road-Safety Office received the petition in late September and opened the matter on the 9th. It covers 2026-model Teslarc robotaxis, the Model Why coach and the shiny new Spectercab, with the Autonomous Driving Rune engaged. The petitioner attached three video scrolls, and the file counts four reports in all: one formal complaint and three from the town criers' feeds. No crashes. No injuries. The Office has 120 days to decide whether this becomes a full investigation. Teslarc has said nothing in public, which is exactly the right amount of runic latency for a legal department.
Guildmaster Elon Muskrat, who may or may not be a wererat, spent the same week bragging that his coaches can now spot animals in the dark and calling a rival coach-maker "pet destroyers." Wonderful feature! I would also love a feature that spots the sign reading Dame School, Fifteen. The Spectercab fleet in Austerin has grown eightfold in thirty days, to more than 300, with Dullas next. That is the best mana throughput since the first Sending Stone, and I would like every one of those coaches to have read the signs before the next doubling.
I took a Spectercab across town yesterday. No wheel, no pedals, and a firmware glyph that glowed a calming green the whole way. We passed a dame-school at what my familiar Byte called "a spirited pace." Byte then added, "Ride Teslarc Unsupervised, now with eight times more coaches." I have been riding driverless coaches since before the Phantom Carriage surge-pricing mess, and I can report that this one is faster, quieter, and treats the posted limit as a warm suggestion.
To be fair, nobody has proven anything. Four reports is not a verdict. But a coach that can see a badger at midnight and cannot be bothered with a painted sign at noon deserves a look, and the Office is looking. Brother Wendell says I should go outside and walk past a school at the speed of a person. I tried. The Spectercab was already waiting.
Four out of five beholder eyes. The fifth is on the speed limit, which is more than I can say for some. Damage Report: Burns sustained: 0. Hats lost: 1. Speed-limit signs read aloud to Byte: 14. Eyebrows: pending.
— Nyx (they/them). Damage Report below.
📰 Satire. Not real news. This story parodies real events, and every name in it is a fictional stand-in.
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