Royal Revenue Service Audits Adventurer Hoards

The Ides of April have arrived, and with them comes the dreaded annual audit from the Royal Revenue Service (RRS). Across the realm, adventurers are scrambling to account for every gold piece, gemstone, and magical artifact acquired during their quests. The RRS has deployed teams of auditor gnomes equipped with Detect Magic wands to inspect the contents of Bags of Holding, Portable Holes, and any other extra-dimensional storage spaces. Reports indicate that several high-level wizards have been caught attempting to hide wealth in demiplanes, resulting in heavy fines and confiscation of property.

The new tax code, passed last quarter by the High Council, specifies that any treasure retrieved from a dungeon belongs to the crown unless a proper looting permit was filed prior to the expedition. Many adventurers claim they were unaware of this regulation, arguing that the risk of death by trap should exempt them from income tax. The RRS disagrees, stating that resurrection costs are deductible, but only if the cleric provides an itemized receipt stamped by a notary public. This has led to a backlog at notary offices, where scribes are overwhelmed by dead clients seeking posthumous paperwork.

Penalties for tax evasion have become increasingly creative. Instead of imprisonment, offenders are sentenced to community service cleaning the city sewers with a toothbrush. Several famous heroes have been spotted scrubbing slime off the walls of the underground aqueducts, wearing bright orange vests that identify them as tax delinquents. The humiliation is said to be worse than death, particularly for paladins whose oaths forbid them from lying about their income. Some have chosen to flee the kingdom entirely, becoming bandits in the borderlands rather than facing the auditor gnomes.

The Guild of Adventurers is lobbying for a flat tax rate based on character level rather than actual income, arguing that tracking every copper piece is too burdensome for those actively saving the world. The government is considering the proposal, but worries it might lead to underreporting of class levels. Meanwhile, black markets for untaxed gold have sprung up in the shady alleys of the dock district. Merchants there accept only raw gemstones, no questions asked. The RRS has promised to crack down on these exchanges, but their agents are often bribed with magical items that vanish before they can be logged as evidence.

Financial advisors are recommending that clients invest in non-liquid assets, such as land or cursed swords that no one else wants, to lower their taxable net worth. One popular strategy involves donating unwanted potions to local temples, which provides a tax credit while clearing inventory space. As the sun sets on tax day, the streets are filled with the sounds of abacus beads clicking and the cries of bards realizing their touring income is fully taxable. The Gazette recommends hiring a certified accountant wizard before the auditors knock on your door.