Gelatinous Cube Found in Tavern Walk-In, Inspector Says

THE SLEEPING MULE TAVERN, BRINDLEMOOR, CELLAR LEVEL — A gelatinous cube was found living in the walk-in cooler of this Tanner's Row tavern during a routine inspection Tuesday. It had been there, by the keeper's best estimate, since the spring turnip delivery.

Inspector Corwin Tallowby of the Brindlemoor Public Cellars Board opened the cooler door at 10:40 a.m. and recorded a cube ten feet on a side, transparent, and holding most of the week's order. Visible inside: two wheels of cheese, a ham, a ladle, a pair of spectacles, and a sleeping apprentice cook named Dunmar, whom the cube had not finished with.

Dunmar is at full hit points, 19 of 19, and slightly pickled. "It was warm in there," he told this reporter. "Warmer than the kitchen."

Keeper Bess Harrowgate said the cube had been "a good tenant." It kept the cooler spotless and never once asked for a raise. "I thought the shelves were just very clean," she said. Tallowby noted that the shelves were also gone.

Under the Cellars Board code, a tavern may hold one gelatinous cube on the premises provided it is kept below the cheese line and listed on the menu. The Sleeping Mule had done neither. Tallowby issued a Class Two citation, marked the cheese "unverified," and gave the keeper ten days to remove the cube or reclassify it as a dessert.

Removal is the sticking point. The Fourth Attempt, who were drinking in the taproom, were approached for a quote and a quick delve. The party's bard, who asked to be named, declined. "We do dungeons," he said. "This is a cooler." The fighter added that the last time they were hired for kitchen work, they lost a mule. The mule turned up later, unharmed and well fed, which she says is worse.

I held out the ten-foot pole from the cellar steps, as is my habit, and rolled poorly. The cube took the pole whole. That is my eighth of the season, and the first I have lost to something that was already refrigerated.

Shieldwall Mutual Assurance Society has been informed. An adjuster said spoiled inventory is covered but "inventory that has become a roommate" is under review. Reeve Fennick's office would only say, "We are aware of the cube." Deputy Registrar Pell Oddingwick of Chapter 9 called it "a Level Two matter that was visiting," despite the cooler being above ground.

The Sleeping Mule remains open. Cold cuts are off the menu. The cube is, for now, the cold cuts.

— H.D., filing from below